Talking Myself Out Of Business !

Going back to that little girl with fire in her belly, I was always drawing up new business ideas from car seats with wheels to bank cards for kids I thought of it all, I even remember not fitting into any job role that existed back then, like being a teacher or an accountant and let me tell you, I definitely tried to fit into those two roles especially!! I knew back then I wanted to work in an industry where the projects change constantly, you know, what we call Project Management now! There were a couple of other jobs also that may not have been considered a mainstream job, but funnily enough they are in the market now. All those roles and business ideas that I once thought about, it is like I talked them into existence, they magically appeared, just not from me! I wish I had the self - belief and confidence to follow my gut feeling and do the ideas that came to my head.

What held me back from doing all the things I wanted to? People. Other people telling me I can’t. Studying was the only thing that mattered and being an accountant was where I was meant to go; granted at the time I was happy to work towards being an accountant, because I was young and thought elders were right when it came to choosing a specific professional career; I believed it was the ONLY way to go; but once I realised it is not what I wanted to be there was no support in how to change and develop into the new thing I wanted to be. I was at an age where I couldn’t question it or do anything about it and make it happen for myself. All it did was build doubt and an immense amount of fear in me. That is when it all switched; it was no longer people who held me back, it was myself.

This indecisiveness and fear took over my 20’s, I got married in my 20’s and had my first baby in my 20’s but that fear did not leave my body or my mind and I could feel it taking over my household, also my strength as a wife and a mother. I became so focused on being a failure that I couldn’t even see the things I was doing as a wife and a mum. I am always being accused of downplaying how much I do, so yes, I was giving my husband time and my first- born time but I wanted to do more because I could and I knew deep down I could do it all. I wanted to be the boss lady for my daughter to grow up and see, but also wanted her to see I was by her side always whilst she was growing up. As time went on the dream of me actually being this person I wanted was slipping away and the anxiety increased and increased.

There were multiple businesses and career paths I wanted to pursue, but the fear consumed me, I had convinced myself that I am not worthy of a business or earning money or a certain position. I downplay my skills and believed you can only be in that profession IF you have that specific qualification; I shy away from hard work; I tell myself you can’t JUST START a business you have to research, research & research some more! There were two reasons I think for this behaviour, the first being fear of success and the second the fear of committing, because if I commit and it doesn’t work out, then yet again I have failed and I didn’t want to face MORE failure, whilst everyone around me kept winning. The fear of success ignites the whole issue of imposter syndrome!

I was researching a business over and over again, by the end I convinced myself (out of fear) that I have no place in the market and nothing to bring to the table and at that exact moment, business closed. I would have invested so much money in the website / stock/ events to promote the business; but none of that mattered, fear had won. It is like the business never existed, I believed if I didn’t become an overnight success I had failed and it was onto the next idea.

I made excuses for so many things, I missed so many opportunities, I decided that, that business would have worked in my 20’s and not my 30’s as I have a little family now. Whatever excuses I found myself creating I realised it was all out of fear. I still suffer imposter syndrome, I still have doubts about whether I should do XY &Z but the difference now is, I believe, I have faith. Imagine if Beyonce had decided that there were already enough singers out there and she wasn’t going to start her career, I started seeing it all so differently.

If 2020 has taught me anything, it is that tomorrow most certainly is not promised to us. So, we have to do it now. In 2021 I have made a commitment to committing. I have made a list of 3 things I will commit to this year all the way up until December 2021, I will not stop even if I don’t get instant results or I have a bad day or two, it doesn’t matter, have those “bad days” but then never let the procrastination drag into the 3rd day ever, even if you do whatever you have vowed to commit to, for 5 minutes; just commit. I have taken the choice not to suffer and to I have chosen to commit, after all I am my biggest asset.

If you’re reading this, take it as a sign to just do what you have been wanting to do! JUST GET UP & DO IT.